Of finding the light inside

Because at least once in your life, you may have seen someone’s sparkle suddenly dim a little, or a lot, and you don’t know why, and you want to help, but you don’t know how.

Start by being there. Just be there.

Sometimes, to help a loved one who is suffering from depression – or any of those dark emotions that you do not really need to label – simply saying “I’m here if you need to talk” is enough. Please remember: never say “choose to be happy” or “you have so many blessings to be thankful for” or similar “encouraging” words. And don’t be disappointed if they don’t confide in you.  They may think you wouldn’t understand – and they may not be wrong. 

And don’t ask why. Never ask why.

Twenty-two years ago, I went into a downward spiral and found myself navigating a dark space so vast I couldn’t see a beginning, an end, or a bottom to it. I did not know – I still don’t – how it all started.  It crept upon me so suddenly and seized me so overwhelmingly that even if I tried to resist, I wouldn’t have stood a chance.

I would wake up with such heaviness in my being that has become so familiar I dreaded opening my eyes every morning, and wanting more than anything to be swallowed back into darkness and never to come out again. I would force myself to get dressed, only to sit back down in my bed staring into nothing for hours and hours, and finally curling back to bed fully dressed up. Sometimes I would drag my feet to go to work and pretend to smile while feeling very, very exhausted. Of my own laughter, more than anything else.  

There was no one I wanted to talk to. I had – still have – friends who respected my disappearances and accepted my sudden withdrawals from previously planned hangouts, with no questions asked. But I didn’t want to share what I myself couldn’t understand.  And seeing a therapist never even crossed my mind.

Out of desperation, I sought the one thing I could be alone with, who will completely get me. I began a journal and started communicating with what I simultaneously referred to as the “Inner Self/Spiritual Entity/Higher Being”.  For many years, my journal prevailed over any form of interaction, even as I occasionally talked with my family and went out with friends. I just graduated with honours and was teaching in the premiere state university.  It was, by some measure, a good life.

Nobody knew what I was going through. The Inner Self never gave me answers, but it helped me process my questions, and for me, that was enough. 

And then one day, after so many days of not being able to sleep and just sitting in one corner of my room, it came to me. I could end it all. One of my friends had already gone ahead. Maybe I get to choose how to end it.

I was not sad at that thought. Just an overwhelming sense of peace at letting go.  

Maybe I could have gone, too. But when I was looking at those small pink tablets on my palm, there were only two things on my mind: ambivalent as I was about my faith, I truly did not know what was in the Great Beyond.  Could I risk eternal damnation? More importantly, disconnected as I felt, I had no iota of doubt that I had a family who loved me unconditionally and who would be devastated beyond measure. I knew as I will always know in my heart that there is always a home I could go back to no matter how many times I get lost along the way.

And I sat down and thought, maybe I can find my way back. 

I didn’t find my way back. If you have gone through months of darkness alone with only your inner self or a Higher Being to walk with you, there is no turning back. You plod ahead hoping there is a way out, blindly, in the dark, alone.

But I found myself. It was all I needed.

It’s not easy navigating a vast, dark place, but sometimes, you find the light and it leads you home. I don’t know when, or how, or why. Maybe the eternal source of light out there ignites it when you have arrived where you need to go. Maybe you needed to lose yourself so you can start finding the person you need to be. Or maybe it is just a random thing that people need to go through because life is crazy like that.

All I know is you wake up one day and there is fire burning within you. You found the light. You found yourself.

You got lost so you can find yourself. Maybe it was worth it.

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*Sometimes you find the light.  Sometimes you don’t. Some people do, some people don’t. My heart goes out to all those who went ahead because they couldn’t find a way out of the dark. I can only hope that wherever they went, they found their better place.

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