Category: Featured

45 Life Lessons I Learned by 45

  1. In life, there are no such things as detours. Every route you pass through is the correct path to your journey. 
  2. Don’t force yourself to be fine if you’re not. But have faith that you will be.
  3. Your body will tell you what it needs. No one else can hear it but you, so don’t ignore it.
  4. The only person who is allowed to hate your haircut is you. Nobody else has any business hating it.
  5. No matter how small, if it matters to you, then it matters. No one has the right to decide what should and should not matter to you.
  6. You do not have to argue about everything that you don’t agree with.  Decide your “uncompromisables”, then choose your battles.
  7. You can’t force a plant to grow, but you can provide all it needs until it does. You can’t force things, but you can lay the foundation.  So lay it well.
  8. You can do the best you can, but there are things beyond your control. Learn to discern when you need to exert more effort and when to let go and surrender (to your Maker’s plans, or to luck – whichever you believe). 
  9. Trust in your process, but work hard every step of the way. You may not like where you are, or not know where you want to go, but never give yourself an excuse to do a sloppy job. Whatever is meant for you, will come to you, but you still have to earn it.
  10. Love what you are doing, but if you don’t, you have two choices: leave it; or try to live with it. Either way, you do it right, no excuses.
  11. There is no correct definition of love, but if it harms you in any way, or makes you doubt your self-worth, that is not love. Turn your back on it. Immediately.
  12. You have a choice to believe in anything you want, but any belief that drives you to hate, disrespect, or violate other people will never be right.
  13. You do not need to argue about faith (or religion). The best testament to the kind of God you worship is the kind of person you are.
  14. Only argue with the person who has read the same book you are arguing about.
  15. The world is filled with people who are willing to do the right thing in various circumstances. Do not lose faith in humanity.
  16. You don’t have to like a person to be good to him, and vice versa. You’d be surprised at how good to you people can be if you give them a chance.
  17. When people are good to you, do not take it for granted. Always find a way to show your gratitude.
  18. Generosity doesn’t have to be with material things. Be generous with your appreciation, your time, your talent, whatever you can give.
  19. If a loved one cooks for you, you eat and express gratitude, whether you like the food or not. Do not offer empty compliments, but do not disparage either. You do not know how much effort went into it.
  20. Sometimes, a gentle reminder goes a far longer way than a stern admonition.
  21. One of the greatest motivations in life is to prove to people who are willing to bet on you that they are right.
  22. Never close your mind to anything. There are always lessons to be learned and myriads of possibilities.
  23. Don’t feel guilty for satisfying your cravings.
  24. There are good days and there are bad days and there are really good days and really bad days. And you just have to take them all because that’s life.
  25. There is nothing you cannot learn if you put your heart, time & effort to it. Yes, even rocket science.
  26. Help people fix their mistake only if they acknowledge that it’s their mistake.
  27. Blaming yourself or blaming others when in a bad situation will not get you out of the situation.
  28. People are not interested in excuses. If you did something wrong or failed to do something, you apologize & focus on how to fix it.
  29. Do not offer advice unless solicited from you. People who need your advice will ask for it.
  30. When in doubt, sleep on it.
  31. Nothing in the world matters if you have a headache. If you do have one, go and have a break.
  32. Find a mantra that works for you. I have two: “it could be worse”, and “I see you.” Every time I am in a bad situation, thinking and saying that it could be worse somehow helps me go through it. Because really, there are so many things that could be worse.  When I am sad, confused, or feeling worthless, or suicidal, I imagine my Maker telling me “I see you”. Then I know I will do the right thing. Because it matters what I do. Because I matter. Because my Maker sees me.
  33. Faith does not take away your pain. But it helps you believe you will get through it.
  34. Focus. Focus on the big goal, but also focus on the tiny things. If there are hundreds of things to do, focus on something, even the smallest one, drown out everything else, do it extremely well. Then move on to the next one.
  35. All it takes to be comfortable among hundreds of people is to be comfortable with yourself.
  36. Do not underestimate the power of overpreparation. Read everything there is to know about the topic before a meeting. Practice your speech until you know it by heart – even the most beautiful message will not have an impact if you are not confident in delivering it. Overpreparation is the key to confidence.
  37. People hate long speeches. You may have a great message, but if you keep droning on and on, people are bound to zone out. Make your key points and discuss them crisply and concisely.
  38. “Be happy”, “always find things to be thankful for”, and similar phrases are not very useful advice when someone is sad or depressed. People do want to be happy. But sometimes, they don’t have a choice in the matter. “I am here if you need me” may be enough.
  39. You will forget things. You may be sharp as a tack but you are bound to forget things, sooner or later. Make a list. Get a small notebook and write all the important stuff, then hide it well.
  40. Do not expect anyone to fully understand what you feel. People can “put themselves in your shoes”, but even the most empathetic person has no capacity to fully grasp what you are going through. Your emotions are a combination of all the things, big and small, that happened to you, and no one else has gone through exactly that.
  41. Bring something to read in all your travels and appointments.
  42. Plant something at least once in your life.
  43. Sunset will always be one of the most beautiful things you will ever see.
  44. People change. Things change. Let go when you need to.
  45. Rest. Go take a breath of fresh air. Stare at nothing. Do nothing. Breathe. 

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Of finding the light inside

Because at least once in your life, you may have seen someone’s sparkle suddenly dim a little, or a lot, and you don’t know why, and you want to help, but you don’t know how.

Start by being there. Just be there.

Sometimes, to help a loved one who is suffering from depression – or any of those dark emotions that you do not really need to label – simply saying “I’m here if you need to talk” is enough. Please remember: never say “choose to be happy” or “you have so many blessings to be thankful for” or similar “encouraging” words. And don’t be disappointed if they don’t confide in you.  They may think you wouldn’t understand – and they may not be wrong. 

And don’t ask why. Never ask why.

Twenty-two years ago, I went into a downward spiral and found myself navigating a dark space so vast I couldn’t see a beginning, an end, or a bottom to it. I did not know – I still don’t – how it all started.  It crept upon me so suddenly and seized me so overwhelmingly that even if I tried to resist, I wouldn’t have stood a chance.

I would wake up with such heaviness in my being that has become so familiar I dreaded opening my eyes every morning, and wanting more than anything to be swallowed back into darkness and never to come out again. I would force myself to get dressed, only to sit back down in my bed staring into nothing for hours and hours, and finally curling back to bed fully dressed up. Sometimes I would drag my feet to go to work and pretend to smile while feeling very, very exhausted. Of my own laughter, more than anything else.  

There was no one I wanted to talk to. I had – still have – friends who respected my disappearances and accepted my sudden withdrawals from previously planned hangouts, with no questions asked. But I didn’t want to share what I myself couldn’t understand.  And seeing a therapist never even crossed my mind.

Out of desperation, I sought the one thing I could be alone with, who will completely get me. I began a journal and started communicating with what I simultaneously referred to as the “Inner Self/Spiritual Entity/Higher Being”.  For many years, my journal prevailed over any form of interaction, even as I occasionally talked with my family and went out with friends. I just graduated with honours and was teaching in the premiere state university.  It was, by some measure, a good life.

Nobody knew what I was going through. The Inner Self never gave me answers, but it helped me process my questions, and for me, that was enough. 

And then one day, after so many days of not being able to sleep and just sitting in one corner of my room, it came to me. I could end it all. One of my friends had already gone ahead. Maybe I get to choose how to end it.

I was not sad at that thought. Just an overwhelming sense of peace at letting go.  

Maybe I could have gone, too. But when I was looking at those small pink tablets on my palm, there were only two things on my mind: ambivalent as I was about my faith, I truly did not know what was in the Great Beyond.  Could I risk eternal damnation? More importantly, disconnected as I felt, I had no iota of doubt that I had a family who loved me unconditionally and who would be devastated beyond measure. I knew as I will always know in my heart that there is always a home I could go back to no matter how many times I get lost along the way.

And I sat down and thought, maybe I can find my way back. 

I didn’t find my way back. If you have gone through months of darkness alone with only your inner self or a Higher Being to walk with you, there is no turning back. You plod ahead hoping there is a way out, blindly, in the dark, alone.

But I found myself. It was all I needed.

It’s not easy navigating a vast, dark place, but sometimes, you find the light and it leads you home. I don’t know when, or how, or why. Maybe the eternal source of light out there ignites it when you have arrived where you need to go. Maybe you needed to lose yourself so you can start finding the person you need to be. Or maybe it is just a random thing that people need to go through because life is crazy like that.

All I know is you wake up one day and there is fire burning within you. You found the light. You found yourself.

You got lost so you can find yourself. Maybe it was worth it.

______________

*Sometimes you find the light.  Sometimes you don’t. Some people do, some people don’t. My heart goes out to all those who went ahead because they couldn’t find a way out of the dark. I can only hope that wherever they went, they found their better place.

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Some things I wish I had known in high school

( Excerpt from a speech delivered to high school students in Ilocos Norte, Philippines in 2017)

For the young ones.

I am by no means an expert on life, but I have the benefit of more than 40 years of experience and some beautiful life lessons that I wish someone would have told me when I was your age.  It would have benefited me a great deal if I had known these when I was younger. I summarize them in 3 points that I hope will help you as you navigate this increasingly chaotic world.

The first thing I want to say is this: always carry within your heart the conviction that you have the right to be here, to be who you are, and to be who you want to be. Never let anyone make you feel less of a human being just because you are different or you do not conform to the expectations of other people or of society. Whoever you are, whatever kind of family you come from, however you look like in the outside, whatever your gender preferences, each and every one of us has the right to be here and to be who we are and be proud of it.

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