Category: The Happy Things Blog

blogs about life, love, faith

Confessions of a drifter

I am an unsettled soul.

I guess that’s that.

And yeah, I made that term up.

I don’t actually know when that ‘unsettledness’ started, or if it will ever be gone.

When I was a young girl, I thought I owned the world. My parents and grandparents were strict in many other ways, but I was always allowed to go anywhere I wanted during the day. I was free to climb trees, go to the forests, swim in the rivers as long as I wanted, eat all the duhat and cashew fruits that I could get, gather leaves and grasses that I could dry and brew while pretending to be a witch, collect stones to paint … I could go on.

It was a great childhood. But the thing with being free to enjoy nature all you want as a child is you experience your first heartbreak when you first realise there are many things around you that are beyond your control. In fact, as a child, almost all—if not all— things are beyond your control. So, when they cut down your favourite tree, or burn your favourite hiding place to make way for more ‘plantable’ areas, no amount of crying can stop these from happening.

I do not know exactly when I began to fully internalise that there is nothing in this world that I could hold on to. I did not have a strong faith as a young girl. I always just took it for granted that I was a Catholic – I prayed at night as I was taught to. I do not recall much else, there were no churches in our mountains, and I vaguely recall that I saw priests only when there were weddings or deaths, or sometimes during holy week. When I went to school in the city (an hour away from our village, which would probably not be a big deal nowadays but by then we only had one passenger jeepney plying the route and if you did not wake up before 5am, you will be left behind and won’t be able to go to the city until the next day),  I got myself (re)baptised into a Baptist church. It was by no means an abrupt decision. I have spent days in empty Catholic churches, I guess talking to God in my own way, searching for something, until I ended up going to a Baptist church and eventually getting (re)baptised. I was 14.  

When I started in the University (in the metropolitan, about 9 hours away from our village, and this is a side point but I will forever be grateful to my parents for finding the sheer willpower to send me to college there—the first ever from our village—even though we were from the lower middle class), I did not know the place and I couldn’t find a Baptist church. So I joined a group that invited me while I was at the Sunken Garden, something I immediately regretted for their questionable practices. And then I attended church-sects upon the invitation of my dormmates, or classmates, or acquaintances. I make no value judgements on all the religious denominations I attended (except, of course, that one I joined in Sunken Garden). And there were many, including (though not exactly a religious denomination) transcendental meditation and new age groups. I take all the blame for not being able to settle or find whatever I was looking for.  But it was Buddhism which solidified my growing detachment (from material things, relationships, it was a wide range of things from training myself to not react when my computer crashed, to not really caring about anything—I’m not even sure if I interpreted my readings accurately). It was great, except that one day I realised I haven’t been able to experience any positive emotion for a while, and thus began my descent into (my first of many) depression. At some point I have also developed this irrational fear of being happy (which, strangely enough, isn’t all that uncommon, and it is called cherophobia); I was convinced that any happiness would be balanced out by the same amount of sadness afterwards, so I usually didn’t allow myself to feel joy. So yeah, my mind was pretty much fucked up for many periods of my life.  There might have been many other factors—I just graduated from college a year or two before, and months (or years) before I graduated, I have been contemplating going to the ‘countryside’ (only a few would understand what this means). There were crucial decisions that I couldn’t make because, maybe, I lacked the required strength of character.

In any case, I ‘surfaced’ after a few months, and the one thing I could say in hindsight is that, even though I couldn’t settle on one religion, my Lord loves me unconditionally, and keeps pulling me back into the light. Which is why my faith is absolute.

Anyway, I did not just set out to rant or to expose what can be considered as some of my ‘deepest secrets’. I did have a few (or two) takeaways I wanted to share. First, on the question of being a drifter. Because I have no doubt that I am, even though I may not exactly fit what people’s definition of drifter is. As I said, I have an unsettled soul. I just have this constant feeling in my gut of not belonging, that is, wherever I find myself, that it is not where I am supposed to be. And I can feel it strongly in my (heart? gut? bones?) when it’s time to go. And then I go. I have accepted that fact, that I may always be drifting (although I have had to be more careful for the past years to ensure that my daughter will also have better life chances).  But the one thing I learned is that, even when I may not be where I want to be—or even when I don’t even know where I am supposed to be—the important things is, wherever I find myself, I am the best that I can be at that moment.  I immerse myself totally in whatever task I have to do, and I am not just being overly confident when I say I produce excellent results. So yeah, I guess what I am saying is, it’s okay if you don’t know exactly where to go, as long as wherever you are, you give your all, so that when it’s time to go, there will be no regrets. Wherever you are, try to make your mark.

Second, the reason I can jump when it’s time to jump is because I have a family who has my back, always and unconditionally. So when I say I am drifter, I say so with full knowledge that I am coming from a position of privilege.  Some people may want to, but they do not have any choice but to stay, ignoring the feeling in their guts. So yeah. I drift because I can afford to. I am an unsettled soul, but I am also loved. That is a privilege that I will never take for granted.

I’m probably nearing the end of my life, who knows. Or I may live for many years more. I’ve been surrounded with uncertainties for most of that life. But of two things I am certain. The first one is that I have absolute faith in a God who created me for a purpose, who loves me unconditionally, and who gave me a family who supports me no matter what. And lastly, that in all the stages of this journey peppered with uncertainty, I gave it my best shot. I guess that is all we can do, really.

I am a thousand things

“I love you”, said the tree to the river.

“But which part of me?” said the river.

Is it the part that you see

reflecting your beauty?

Or the part that you feel

gently tickling your roots,

deliciously drenching your soul?

How about my other parts?

My very shallow,

my very deep,

my very dark recesses?

My ever changing,

ever flowing self?

My rough, turbulent, murky,

rocky, noisy, brutal,

dangerous, raging self?

Do you love them too?

Do you even know them?

rest your wings, sometimes

The Bird Chronicles #6

Just because you have wings

doesn’t mean

you have to fly all the time.

Sometimes, 

you can’t even crawl out of your nest

and that’s fine.

You stay there for as long as you need. 

Sometimes,

you stare at life as it passes you by

and that’s fine too. 

You catch up when you can 

Or maybe not.

Keep to your own pace. Life is not a race.

Of finding happiness

THE BIRD CHRONICLES #4

So the bird spread its wings & flew away.

And it flew and flew and travelled the world

and found many great places.

Until one day it came back & the tree asked: 

“Did you find a good place to stay?” 

“Yes,” said the bird.

“And did you find happiness? Are you finally happy?” 

The bird looked away and said softly,

“You don’t find your happiness anywhere. You carry it with you.”

Of endings & new beginnings

Once there was a seed

that fell down to the ground.

It was dejected to have been separated

from the tree

which has always been its home.

“It’s okay,” said the tree.

“You had to fall so you can be planted

and you can grow”.

But the seed didn’t see how this could be so. 

“How could there be life in me,

when it is you that sustained me?”

So, it went to a deep sleep,

believing it was the end. 

Until one day it woke up,

with the sun kissing its tiny leaf. 

And it said to the tree:

“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.”

The tree answered:

“It doesn’t matter.

I believed in you.”

How to deliver an inspirational speech in 1 minute

(Speech delivered on the occasion of my High School Reunion in 2011, *slightly revised)

Good afternoon classmates. I am so happy to see all of you after so many years. 

I am supposed to deliver an inspirational message. But what am I going to say that you do not already know?  I mean look around you. Each and every one of us is doing great in our own different ways. You do not need anyone to stand up here and talk about success, or life, or what we want to do with it. You already know that.

We all have gone a long way, made different choices, faced different battles. But whatever it is that you have chosen in life, as long as you’re happy with it, then that is all the inspiration that we need. There is no one in this room who can tell you that her life is more inspiring than yours.

My experience is as good as any of yours, and your success is as good as mine. Because today there are no sections, today there are no honour graduates. We all left that, 20 years ago, when we each faced the real world and carved our own paths. And today we are all here, because we have overcome our own battles, or still trying to, and ready to face everything else that will come our way. And for that, we should be proud.

So today, I want us to celebrate.

Today, I want each of us to be here, unhesitatingly, wholeheartedly, and yes, spectacularly. With no comparison, no regrets, no apologies.

So let’s all say this together (repeat after me). This is the life I have chosen. I make no apologies.

Cheers to all the members of the class of 1991, and here’s to the beautiful people that we have become and to the better persons we can still be. Cheers!

45 Life Lessons I Learned by 45

  1. In life, there are no such things as detours. Every route you pass through is the correct path to your journey. 
  2. Don’t force yourself to be fine if you’re not. But have faith that you will be.
  3. Your body will tell you what it needs. No one else can hear it but you, so don’t ignore it.
  4. The only person who is allowed to hate your haircut is you. Nobody else has any business hating it.
  5. No matter how small, if it matters to you, then it matters. No one has the right to decide what should and should not matter to you.
  6. You do not have to argue about everything that you don’t agree with.  Decide your “uncompromisables”, then choose your battles.
  7. You can’t force a plant to grow, but you can provide all it needs until it does. You can’t force things, but you can lay the foundation.  So lay it well.
  8. You can do the best you can, but there are things beyond your control. Learn to discern when you need to exert more effort and when to let go and surrender (to your Maker’s plans, or to luck – whichever you believe). 
  9. Trust in your process, but work hard every step of the way. You may not like where you are, or not know where you want to go, but never give yourself an excuse to do a sloppy job. Whatever is meant for you, will come to you, but you still have to earn it.
  10. Love what you are doing, but if you don’t, you have two choices: leave it; or try to live with it. Either way, you do it right, no excuses.
  11. There is no correct definition of love, but if it harms you in any way, or makes you doubt your self-worth, that is not love. Turn your back on it. Immediately.
  12. You have a choice to believe in anything you want, but any belief that drives you to hate, disrespect, or violate other people will never be right.
  13. You do not need to argue about faith (or religion). The best testament to the kind of God you worship is the kind of person you are.
  14. Only argue with the person who has read the same book you are arguing about.
  15. The world is filled with people who are willing to do the right thing in various circumstances. Do not lose faith in humanity.
  16. You don’t have to like a person to be good to him, and vice versa. You’d be surprised at how good to you people can be if you give them a chance.
  17. When people are good to you, do not take it for granted. Always find a way to show your gratitude.
  18. Generosity doesn’t have to be with material things. Be generous with your appreciation, your time, your talent, whatever you can give.
  19. If a loved one cooks for you, you eat and express gratitude, whether you like the food or not. Do not offer empty compliments, but do not disparage either. You do not know how much effort went into it.
  20. Sometimes, a gentle reminder goes a far longer way than a stern admonition.
  21. One of the greatest motivations in life is to prove to people who are willing to bet on you that they are right.
  22. Never close your mind to anything. There are always lessons to be learned and myriads of possibilities.
  23. Don’t feel guilty for satisfying your cravings.
  24. There are good days and there are bad days and there are really good days and really bad days. And you just have to take them all because that’s life.
  25. There is nothing you cannot learn if you put your heart, time & effort to it. Yes, even rocket science.
  26. Help people fix their mistake only if they acknowledge that it’s their mistake.
  27. Blaming yourself or blaming others when in a bad situation will not get you out of the situation.
  28. People are not interested in excuses. If you did something wrong or failed to do something, you apologize & focus on how to fix it.
  29. Do not offer advice unless solicited from you. People who need your advice will ask for it.
  30. When in doubt, sleep on it.
  31. Nothing in the world matters if you have a headache. If you do have one, go and have a break.
  32. Find a mantra that works for you. I have two: “it could be worse”, and “I see you.” Every time I am in a bad situation, thinking and saying that it could be worse somehow helps me go through it. Because really, there are so many things that could be worse.  When I am sad, confused, or feeling worthless, or suicidal, I imagine my Maker telling me “I see you”. Then I know I will do the right thing. Because it matters what I do. Because I matter. Because my Maker sees me.
  33. Faith does not take away your pain. But it helps you believe you will get through it.
  34. Focus. Focus on the big goal, but also focus on the tiny things. If there are hundreds of things to do, focus on something, even the smallest one, drown out everything else, do it extremely well. Then move on to the next one.
  35. All it takes to be comfortable among hundreds of people is to be comfortable with yourself.
  36. Do not underestimate the power of overpreparation. Read everything there is to know about the topic before a meeting. Practice your speech until you know it by heart – even the most beautiful message will not have an impact if you are not confident in delivering it. Overpreparation is the key to confidence.
  37. People hate long speeches. You may have a great message, but if you keep droning on and on, people are bound to zone out. Make your key points and discuss them crisply and concisely.
  38. “Be happy”, “always find things to be thankful for”, and similar phrases are not very useful advice when someone is sad or depressed. People do want to be happy. But sometimes, they don’t have a choice in the matter. “I am here if you need me” may be enough.
  39. You will forget things. You may be sharp as a tack but you are bound to forget things, sooner or later. Make a list. Get a small notebook and write all the important stuff, then hide it well.
  40. Do not expect anyone to fully understand what you feel. People can “put themselves in your shoes”, but even the most empathetic person has no capacity to fully grasp what you are going through. Your emotions are a combination of all the things, big and small, that happened to you, and no one else has gone through exactly that.
  41. Bring something to read in all your travels and appointments.
  42. Plant something at least once in your life.
  43. Sunset will always be one of the most beautiful things you will ever see.
  44. People change. Things change. Let go when you need to.
  45. Rest. Go take a breath of fresh air. Stare at nothing. Do nothing. Breathe. 

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The bird’s song

The Bird Chronicles #2

“Because you always listen to me, I learned how to sing beautifully,” said the bird. 

“No, little one. You were always meant to sing beautifully. You sing because you have a song within you,” answered the tree.

And the bird said, “But what good is a beautiful song, if there is no one to listen?”

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Of love and letting go

Dedicated with all my love to my grandparents Pedro, Ben, Carmen & Rosa

The Bird Chronicles #4

“I’m too old to fly now,” said the old bird. “My wings are too weak and my eyes are tired. My time here is up. Now tell me, have I loved you enough?”

“Yes, more than enough,” said the little bird. “and I love you.”

“That is all I need to hear. I can go in peace.”

“But it’s so hard to let you go.”

“I’m not yours to let go, my child. I’m going home now to the One who sent me here.”

“Then fly away home in peace, our dearest one. And bring my love with you.”

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Of finding the light inside

Because at least once in your life, you may have seen someone’s sparkle suddenly dim a little, or a lot, and you don’t know why, and you want to help, but you don’t know how.

Start by being there. Just be there.

Sometimes, to help a loved one who is suffering from depression – or any of those dark emotions that you do not really need to label – simply saying “I’m here if you need to talk” is enough. Please remember: never say “choose to be happy” or “you have so many blessings to be thankful for” or similar “encouraging” words. And don’t be disappointed if they don’t confide in you.  They may think you wouldn’t understand – and they may not be wrong. 

And don’t ask why. Never ask why.

Twenty-two years ago, I went into a downward spiral and found myself navigating a dark space so vast I couldn’t see a beginning, an end, or a bottom to it. I did not know – I still don’t – how it all started.  It crept upon me so suddenly and seized me so overwhelmingly that even if I tried to resist, I wouldn’t have stood a chance.

I would wake up with such heaviness in my being that has become so familiar I dreaded opening my eyes every morning, and wanting more than anything to be swallowed back into darkness and never to come out again. I would force myself to get dressed, only to sit back down in my bed staring into nothing for hours and hours, and finally curling back to bed fully dressed up. Sometimes I would drag my feet to go to work and pretend to smile while feeling very, very exhausted. Of my own laughter, more than anything else.  

There was no one I wanted to talk to. I had – still have – friends who respected my disappearances and accepted my sudden withdrawals from previously planned hangouts, with no questions asked. But I didn’t want to share what I myself couldn’t understand.  And seeing a therapist never even crossed my mind.

Out of desperation, I sought the one thing I could be alone with, who will completely get me. I began a journal and started communicating with what I simultaneously referred to as the “Inner Self/Spiritual Entity/Higher Being”.  For many years, my journal prevailed over any form of interaction, even as I occasionally talked with my family and went out with friends. I just graduated with honours and was teaching in the premiere state university.  It was, by some measure, a good life.

Nobody knew what I was going through. The Inner Self never gave me answers, but it helped me process my questions, and for me, that was enough. 

And then one day, after so many days of not being able to sleep and just sitting in one corner of my room, it came to me. I could end it all. One of my friends had already gone ahead. Maybe I get to choose how to end it.

I was not sad at that thought. Just an overwhelming sense of peace at letting go.  

Maybe I could have gone, too. But when I was looking at those small pink tablets on my palm, there were only two things on my mind: ambivalent as I was about my faith, I truly did not know what was in the Great Beyond.  Could I risk eternal damnation? More importantly, disconnected as I felt, I had no iota of doubt that I had a family who loved me unconditionally and who would be devastated beyond measure. I knew as I will always know in my heart that there is always a home I could go back to no matter how many times I get lost along the way.

And I sat down and thought, maybe I can find my way back. 

I didn’t find my way back. If you have gone through months of darkness alone with only your inner self or a Higher Being to walk with you, there is no turning back. You plod ahead hoping there is a way out, blindly, in the dark, alone.

But I found myself. It was all I needed.

It’s not easy navigating a vast, dark place, but sometimes, you find the light and it leads you home. I don’t know when, or how, or why. Maybe the eternal source of light out there ignites it when you have arrived where you need to go. Maybe you needed to lose yourself so you can start finding the person you need to be. Or maybe it is just a random thing that people need to go through because life is crazy like that.

All I know is you wake up one day and there is fire burning within you. You found the light. You found yourself.

You got lost so you can find yourself. Maybe it was worth it.

______________

*Sometimes you find the light.  Sometimes you don’t. Some people do, some people don’t. My heart goes out to all those who went ahead because they couldn’t find a way out of the dark. I can only hope that wherever they went, they found their better place.

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